The Road to Recovery

I recently hit a really big milestone in my life.

It has been more than four months since my last major depressive episode.

That has never, I repeat, never ever happened to me.

In fact it’s so rare that instead of tracking my “depressive episodes” I track my “okay episodes”. Which is time spent between my “normal” depressed states.

Normally, an “okay episode” lasts a week or two. Rarely it can last as much as a month, and three times in my life has it lasted more than a month, none of which were before I became an adult. The first was 2007 when I started college. That lasted 3 months. The second was the summer of 2012, and the third spring of 2013, each lasting a month or two.

So I am in completely uncharted territory with my mental health right now. I never expected this would be possible. After all, if you were to spend 26 years in a state of turmoil more than 75% of the time, what would you believe? That there was hope over the horizon? Or that hope was a silly thing people made up to help children deal with the harsh realities of life, and real adults knew better than to hope for a happier future?

Well the past four months have restored that hope for me. The hope that I can be okay for long stretches of time, the hope that I can be in touch with the parts of myself that love, create, work hard, and feel accomplished. The hope that I will continue to develop the will to live, and to live fully. The hope that when my depression does return (more on that later), I will be able to weather the storm with acceptance and compassion for myself. The hope that when I do experience hard times, I can remember that it’s not always like this. Not all the time, not forever.

I have become very in tune with a life of “this too shall pass”.

Even the good stuff.

Even the bad stuff.

Looking back on how I feel when I’m depressed I know that if I was reading this article by this point I’d have done one of two things

1. Told myself “yeah congrats to that person, but it’s just not going to work out that way for me” and closed the tab.
2. Screamed at the screen BUT HOW!?! And scrolled down to see if there’s a bulleted list somewhere of things I can try.

Read on:

Well, lucky for you if you chose #2, because I really like bulleted lists. A little too much. I’ve actually heard them called “listicles” what? Okay. Well here’s your listicle. And I’m going to start with things I DID NOT DO that everyone told me to. While I’m sure these ideas all have their merits, and can work fabulously for some people, all these heavy lifestyle changes can seem like a huge obstacle to someone that’s depressed. I know at one point I felt like I would never get better if I didn’t run and journal every day, eat a raw, vegan diet, and meditate for hours each week. I felt like so long as I was waking up at different times every morning (and never before 7am), exposed to difficult situations, and wandering throughout life without a supreme “purpose”, I would always be horribly depressed.

Pardon my french, but that is horse doo-doo. So without further ado (doo), I present to you, the listicle of things I DID NOT do during my past four months of mental health.

I DID NOT run marathons. Or run at all for that matter. I didn’t pick up weight lifting, or a yoga practice. I just didn’t. I did find a way to get outside more, and be a bit more active, but it was very subtle. I’ll tell you more about that further down.

I DID NOT go vegan, raw, gluten free, or paleo. I eat a regular-old-normal balanced diet. I do eat more veggies than most people, and I did increase my fruit intake. I drink water every day, all the normal stuff. Nothing hardcore, that’s just not for me. Actually, as I’m writing this, I’ve just polished off a whole bag of lays salt and vinegar potato chips that hubby bought last night. LAST NIGHT. However I also had a kale salad for dinner so I’m counting on it balancing out ;)

I DID NOT become a meditation guru (I don’t even meditate regularly!). I do study buddhism thoroughly and try to apply it to my life as often as possible, and I do try to meditate, but it’s seriously less than once a week that I actually sit down and do it. When I do meditate? 6 minutes. I’m not even joking. I set a timer on my phone and that’s all I do.

I DID NOT cut all ties with difficult people. I will go in depth about this below, but the gist of it is that really, making a huge dramatic point of “cutting off” someone that you have difficulties with just makes things more difficult. It’s just more fuel for the fire that burns between you two (or three or more).

I DID NOT quit ANYTHING cold turkey (or really quit anything at all). I have an advantage here in that I don’t smoke cigarettes and I’ve always avoided alcohol due to a multigenerational disposition to alcoholism on both sides of my family. However, there are a lot of other addicting substances in my life that I could have “dropped”. I didn’t quit caffeine, sugar, or salt. I didn’t delete my facebook or cancel my netflix subscription.

I DID NOT journal every day. At most I might keep track of how much I slept, what chores I did, or what my depression score is. I didn’t write a sentence per day. I didn’t block out 15 minutes of my morning for free flow writing, I haven’t even blogged in months!

I DID NOT expect myself to be “happy” or cling to my good health.

• First of all, being in good mental health doesn’t mean you’re “happy” all the time. Anyone who tells you they are happy all the time is either deluding themselves or lying. Life isn’t one big Pharrell Williams song. It’s a spectrum. Happiness is part of it but so is comfort, contentment, tiredness, compassion, empathy, love, impatience, anticipation, sorrow, pain, and joy.
• Secondly, I can’t cling to this feeling, this “okay episode”. I could wake up tomorrow and this could all be over. But I’m not thinking about tomorrow. I can’t worry about that. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. (Note I said WHEN. I’m not even trying to believe that it’s unlikely.) Going through an episode of depression is kind of like having a cold. First of all, you’re legitimately sick. Secondly, hating yourself for being legitimately sick does nothing. Next, expecting yourself to wake up and NOT be sick does nothing. And finally, fighting against it and telling yourself “I shouldn’t be this sick, what do I have to be sick about? I can’t believe I’m sick. How can I possibly be sick when I live in such a nice clean home?” DOES NOTHING. When you’re depressed, you’re depressed! And it’s OKAY. Similarly, when you’re not sick, you don’t go around telling yourself “I can throw away all the kleenex and cough syrup and decongestant because I’m never going to be sick again.” You don’t toss the echinacea and vitamin D just because you’re better. You also don’t spend time worrying about when you’re going to get the sniffles again. It’s the same with depression. I don’t have it right now and that’s great.

I DID NOT start waking up at 5 am. Just. No. Today I got up at 930, which is kind of early for my day off. The earliest I ever get up is 615.

I DID NOT avoid difficult or triggering situations. This is a hard one, and note that I’m not saying “go out and expose yourself to everything that sucks!” But what I am saying is that avoiding those situations really isn’t something that helped me. Some things suck, yes. Hiding from them does not cure depression. Deal with things in your own time, but do deal with them.

I DID NOT discover my life purpose / follow my bliss / follow my dreams etc. I still have no idea where I’m going with my life. Career, no idea (maybe libraries? I seem to like that lately). Hobbies, I have a few but they’re constantly changing. Location? Ummm I like it here but I kinda wanna move but I’m not sure where. Family? Well there’s one thing I’ve got down. I’m sticking with hubby. Are we going to grow our family? Uhhhhhhhh no idea. Are we going to buy a house? Well… that depends on the location thing. It’s seriously so up in the air and I used to believe that I would never be okay without a solid life purpose (or at least a career goal for goodness sake) but I have none of those things and I’m doing okay without them.

Okay so that’s a LOT of things that I DID NOT do. So… what did I do?

1. Therapy
   • I found a really great therapist and I’ve been with her for 3 years. She is the 12th therapist I’ve seen since I was 16. Don’t give up just because you had one crappy experience, therapists are like people (wow, who woulda thought?) they’re all different.
2. Medicine
   • God I wish I could go back and kick my 16 year old self (and my parents) in the rumpus for resisting medication. I’m not a doctor, and I’m not going to tell you what you should do, but if someone suggests you see a psychiatrist, you know what? Try it. It might change your life.
   • Medication can cause permanent re-structuring in your brain for the better. Similarly, having untreated depression for a decade? Also causes some pretty serious changes in your brain structure.
3. Mindfulness of rumination, time passed, and dwelling
   • This is one I’ve been working on pretty seriously for about a year. I let myself process events and figure out how I can improve my life based on lessons learned, but there’s a limit to how much you can mentally process something before it becomes a depressive cycle of rumination, grudge-holding, and negativity.
   • Every time I catch myself holding onto a negative thought, I tell myself three things “I’m ruminating. It’s been X days/months/years since that happened. I’m dwelling. I don’t need to ruminate or dwell.” And then I actively choose to think about something else.
   • Today while I was driving I found myself ruminating on something that has zero impact on my present life. I decided to change the topic to flowers. I spent the rest of the time thinking about my trip to London when I saw the Princess Diana Gardens. It was a lovely memory.
4. I got a dog
   • Actually I got a puppy which in hindsight was a terrible idea. Having been through the majority of the horrific puppy phase, I’m finding I actually enjoy having a dog. 
   • She gives me a reason to go outside every day (otherwise she pees on my stuff), and I literally have to take her for walks or she goes insane.
   • We also live super close to a dog park which has regular visitors. So now I’m getting my exercise almost every day, I’m spending time outside, and I’ve made a TON of more friends. It’s amazing how you bond with someone when their dog bonds with yours. It’s like having a baby, without the looming fear of college tuition.
5. I’m not in school anymore
   • Speaking of tuition: College is depressing. It seriously is. Everything is grades, exams, and deadlines. It is WAY more hectic than the “real” world, and you can never really catch a break. Now, my work doesn’t come home with me. I have time for the things I enjoy. Yes, I have a mountain of student loan debt but I’m not currently adding to it like I was during my college years. And no, I’m not “using” my degree. But I’m also not going through the daily grind of having to obtain the damn thing either. I have it, it’s done, I’m free.
6. I practice loving distance
   • This is one of my favorites! It’s a direct opposite to the “not cutting people off” that I mentioned above. Difficult relationships are a part of life. Instead of throwing fuel on the fire by telling someone you’re not going to speak to them any more, give them some loving distance.
   • If you feel comfortable that the person will respond to your feelings, you can let them know what’s happened and that you’ll be taking some time to process it.
   • Otherwise, just keep conversations with that person simple and visits with them short. You don’t have to fix every person you love, and you don’t have to have a deeply satisfying relationship with every person in your life.
   • Of course, if you are being abused or harassed, you can and should remove that person from your life, but when you do so, make sure you’re actually removing them entirely, and not just physically. Talk through the things that have happened to you with a therapist (and if needed, a judge) and work to give yourself and that person the loving distance you need. Process the stories of what has happened and then begin to let the past go. Move forward without that person. Your goal should be that conversations, stories, plans, and visits don’t involve that person, so don’t bring them into it.
7. I found a job where I’m respected
   • Respect is not earned. I feel like I need to shout that from mountaintops! Respect is automatic, for everyone. For you, for your boss, for your grandma. Everyone deserves to be respected as a human being. Yes, some people earn authority or trust or admiration. But human respect is automatic, 100% and (in my opinion) unconditional.
   • This one was hard for me to do, but I refused to settle for a job with a company that doesn’t value it’s workers. In the past years I’ve had to leave both my dream job and another job that was really quite nice, except the management in both cases struggled with the value of workers.
   • The hardest part about this is that sometimes, when working a job where you’re not appreciated, the prospect of searching for a new job where you might be appreciated even less is daunting. It’s sort of like an abusive relationship. You feel so bad about yourself you begin to think no one will treat you better. What was the phrase I used earlier? Horse doo-doo? Yeah. That’s it.
   • There’s always a better job out there. If you’re not appreciated where you work now, start looking now. You spend 20-40 hours per week with these people. They damn well better be treating you with respect and be the kind of people that you respect in return.
   • It also helps to keep an eye on your own attitude at work. Sometimes that lack of respect can rub off on you and you find that you no longer respect the people you work with or for as well. Now you’ve found yourself in a real toxic work situation and it’s definitely time to move on.
8. I found a philosophy (or spirituality) that works for me
   • Some people call this spirituality, some people call it philosophy, some people call it religion, or one of the many words that can be translated to mean a deity.
   • I found Buddhism in particular. Specifically Tibetan Buddhism, or Lamaism as it’s often called. It works for me. I enjoy reading the Dalai Lama’s writings and listening to his lectures. I also listen to several other lectures. Lately I’ve been perusing youtube for relevant videos. It works quite nicely for me.
   • The major keys to a good philosophy or spirituality are those that teach compassion, self love, acceptance, and goodwill. Buddhism in particular helps me because it encourages deep thought and exploration of ideas that may be uncommon or uncomfortable to a person.
   • Buddhists also do not proselytize or force people to accept a large cannon of beliefs about the afterlife and deities. This is why it is often mistakenly believed to not be a religion. It does actually have all of those aspects, it’s just that buddhists do not focus on the afterlife as much as other religions do. Their focus is on the here and now; they focus on the known rather than the unknown.
9. I’ve practiced remembering who my friends are
   • When I get depressed I find it really difficult to remember which of my friends would really be there for me. I could look through all my contacts and not even think it was a good idea to text my best friend. So I had to break myself of that habit.
   • It’s really easy to assume no one cares when you’re depressed, but that’s really not true. Keep building your friendships. They’re worth it. Notice who you turn to when you’re depressed and remember to send them another message once you’re feeling better. Even if it’s just to say “thanks for being there”.
10. I have unending support from my husband
    • A lot of people have asked my husband and I for relationship advice. And I must say, we’re not perfect! But there are a few things we do that really help, especially when one of us is not feeling 100%
    • Speaking of percentages. SCREW THE 50/50 RULE! Don’t meet your partner “half way”. Meet them ALL the way! Trust me, if both of you are trying to give more than half, you’re always going to have an abundance of love to go around.
    • Don’t keep score! This is very similar to the above. Don’t try to figure out if you’re giving more than your partner is. That’s ridiculous. Get what needs to be done, done. If you have a need, work with your partner to meet it, don’t just expect them to meet your needs because you meet theirs. It’s a journey you take together, side by side.
    • I read in an article (here) about things healthy partners do with each other. For example, they have what’s called “turning towards a bid”, which means when your partner tries to engage you, you respond actively. Shawn and I both do this with each other. Here’s a really simple example:
      • Partner 1: “Oh it’s snowing outside” (the bid for engagement)
      • Partner 2: “So?” – continues to look at phone (turning away)
      • Partner 2: “Oh, cool.” – continues to look at phone (passive turning towards)
      • Partner 2: “Oh, cool! Let me see!” – gets up and looks out window with partner 1 (active turning towards)
    • The strength of our relationship is what really helps me through my darkest times. I was kept afloat during my most recent suicidal bout with the thought of what Shawn would do without me and how much I couldn’t stand to leave him. My pain was enormous during that time, but the thought of hurting him (by leaving him through death) was overpowering. I could not stand the thought of dying by my own hand after all he’s done to stick by me during my hardest times.

So there you have it, my “listicle” of the things that I think have or haven’t really helped over the past four months. Hopefully you’ve found something that seems applicable to your life, and maybe even something small you’d be willing to try today. That’s really how I’ve gotten through it, is by trying little things here and there every day. I don’t know how long this period of health will last for me (I’m rooting for 6 months!) but I’m happy to be in it right now, and I’m happy to be sharing it with you.